It seems that the only thoughts in my head that are connecting enough to make sense are the ones that carry the big stick and don't fight fairly. I'm stressed out about a couple mistakes at work, my increasing desire to get away, my appointment on tuesday and whatever i've done to piss the dog off. Maybe he knows we'll be moving soon and it most likely won't be out of this stupid town. i should just get used to being alone and just accept the idea that unless i get on some serious meds that can curb the majority of me that i'm just going to be alone. Neither of them have meant it. Maybe they meant it in the moment and maybe for a few months afterwards, but you know how it goes. You spend more time with someone and realize you can't save them or change them and you lose your interest. You get smart and move on to save yourself. i suspected it, but i forced the confirmation this week. It's my fault, i don't try to shirk blame for that. I feel like skipping the tuesday appointment and just not find out if it is cancer. No one will want to have children with me so what does it matter? I'm a mess. I havent even bothered to change clothes since friday night. pathetic.

4.19?

I'm not dealing with my feelings about anything. I'm eating pretty much every bad for you food. I went back to sleep 3 or 4 times both yesterday and today. Eventhough I went to bed late, that's a ridiculous amount of sleep for me. Between trying not to think about cervical, endometrial, or vaginal cancer and trying not to think too much about what i'm feeling, i'm also trying not to get too angry about the effects of this new bc. It just sucks. And i'm making everything worse. I want icecream and gummibears and hot fudge and i want my boyfriend back. i also would really fucking appreciate it if they would come fix the damn washing machine.
The worst part is that i want this stupid romanticized cleaned up version of him back without the things that i don't like. I'm stupid and weak and pathetic.

I've fallen into a pattern of disordered eating again and it's starting to interfere. I'm obsessing about food and weight. It's become one of the few things I think about and plan about. I'm overeating often. And the shame of it is massive. The thoughts of how much weight i'm gaining and the impact of how disgusting i am isn't something im taking lightly. I'm disgusted. And now sleeping meds are mixing with wine and it's time to close my eyes.

I am jack's lonely liver.

I don't do well when people are condescending. The gyno that i've been seeing is SUPER condescending. I can ignore it for a bit, but today after waiting more than an hour without any apology I didn't ignore it. I bit back at it with sarcasm and intolerance. If you're male bodied, don't tell me you "understand" when I tell you my fucking uterus has been cramping so intensely that it's made me almost vomit. You literally cannot know what it feels like. And even if you weren't born male, your secondary and tertiary sex characteristics let me know that it's been awhile since you've felt that. If he would've come in the room and addressed my concern in a calm and logical way, I might've had a much easier time. If he would've said "why don't you give it another month, it's just breakthrough bleeding" I would've asked a couple questions and then moved on. But he didn't he was ready to ditch that medicine and jump back to one that means a period every month. Which to me, means I might as well not be taking anything. It didn't go well and his attitude when I tried to explain my concerns about mood and stability and move past his repeated lectures about contraception was abysmal. After all of that then he did an exam. It was a shitty way to spend the morning. Plus i got another lecture about how most psychiatric meds can really fuck with the contraceptive properties of bc pills. So wtf?!?! 2 fucking hours WASTED. I don't know how to explain how terrifying it is to know that every month, despite your best efforts you're going to freak out and fall apart. And you can do everything and stretch every skill and practice every technique, but it will only make minor changes. I don't know how to explain to anyone and i'm pretty sure most people i try to explain it to think i'm exaggerating or just being dramatic, but it's awful and scary. I want to lock myself in a cage for those days. I'm wearing thin with patience. I'm not in a great place mentally. I've been having to close my door at work to keep out some control. I've faked a migraine or three to hide panic attacks. Once I shut everything off and literally sat in the dark under my desk to regain my composure. I'm struggling. I wish i could put in my hours at work late at night. I didn't get to go to the third eye blind show this week and I'm trying to ignore the doom and gloom i feel over my upcoming birthday and the tangents. My breasts hurt. They've gone from titties to ta-tas in about a month. It's nice, i guess, but I don't know how to dress them and it's sometimes painful. The dog is snoring again and i'm a little tired, but I don't really sleep much. I need to medicate to sleep and that's only good for a little while and then you start to hit that Tyler Durden space. Also, just to round out my whining, it looks like it will be another year without a raise. Rock on. I don't need to make more money, I just want to be valued.

I don't even know where to start about how upset I am. There's no point even. I'm a fucking frazzled mess.

3.30.10

Damn. That was supposed to be my plan and I'm so fucking jealous.
Today bites.

3.29.10

I'm just not having a good day. I took twice what I normally take of
sleeping meds last night and was still up about every 40 minutes. This
morning, I got completely dressed twice and wasn't happy with either
result, but was out of time. The pain from this period is making me
sick. Unless it magically stops it means i have to postpone the
biopsies. I just want to get it out of the way so i can stop thinking
about cancer and never having babies and stupid crap like that. I know
that it would be at least 2 weeks after the biopsies before results
but it would have a finite time frame. Having 2 periods 2 weeks apart
also means twice the emotional insanity that is now getting together
with fatigue and a workload that is bordering on too much. I also keep
losing feeling in fingers on my right hand. It's a little weird. I'm
trying to stay focused and relatively positive, but it's difficult. I
apologize in advance if I snap, or seem distracted or short. Or if i
throw up ... because that's gross. I still don't know how to dress
these boobs. I mildly despise people in happy romantic relationships
today. Seriously, STFU about it. Just for today. You and your life
plans for your privileged, perfect and perfectly-legal wedding and
your easy-to-have-children can kiss my ass today. I'm having too much
trouble not falling into a little ball from the fear and stress that
there's cancer growing in my girly parts to stop and be happy for you.
Maybe tomorrow i can drag myself out of this bitter, self-centered box.

On the up-side, I like having candy on my desk it's a good diversion
when people come in pissed off.