2.24.10

When I go home tonight, I plan to spend some time taking care of
myself. I have struggled through today emotionally and I'm very
hesitant to even address those emotions. My infected eye is swollen
from brow to cheek and from nose to the edge of my eye socket. My
mother called and talked to me about her health problems. I know she's
genuinely worried because she was unable to just brush them off like
she usually does. I want to offer to be there with her during these
next steps, but I think she'd be offended. So much to do ... need to
get back to working.

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It's late now and i'm in shitty shape. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that i've had since 1999. It used to be a signal when i would wear it. I came close to needing that signal tonight but I didn't but i wore it anyway. The dog pissed on the bed while I was in the shower. Today was long and I'm not feeling well and I just wanted to sleep after the shower, but I can't because I have to wait for the bed to dry. And i can't fall asleep.
Dear dog,
Why, when you have the whole apartment to piss in, do you piss on my bed? I wish you would stop it.
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Sometimes i feel like people judge people who want love harshly. I feel like people who want love and who want romance are seen as stupid or naive. I hesitate to tell people how sad i really am because i don't want them to think worse of me than i assume they already do. I'm upset at the things people are saying to me and the way that people are talking to me. I can vaguely see their intention, but expressing judgments is not you showing or offering support of me. I guess i feel like complaining tonight because that seems to be all I can get out. I'm really upset tonight. It's much harder for me to keep my mind in a good headspace when I can't keep my body healthy. My blood pressure was seriously high at the doctor and mine usually runs a little lower than average so it was more of a concern. Apparently eye problems and blood pressure problems don't go well together. My chest hurt for an hour or so today but with the situation that developed at work, i wasn't really surprised.
Right now i just want to have his head in my lap and play with his hair while i tell him that i know it's so hard but we'll make it work, we'll find a way or several ways and we'll try them all. If that makes me stupid then that's fine. But that's what i want right now.

just not my day

Today wasn't an easy day. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't easy. I'm feeling pretty sick again today. My eye is red and gross and watery and drops only make it worse. My throat is still as sore as the first day. It's been a week. I am still getting little dizzy moments and still coughing up some green, nasty stuff. I came home to find that the dog has destroyed, utterly obliterated two things that I received for xmas that were important to me. He also peed on the bed in 4 spots. I'm pretty convinced the vet tech was wrong when she said he was fine this past weekend. I think he should go back tomorrow morning. I'm really upset and really don't feel well and can't even snuggle up to the emptiness in my bed because it's covered in dog piss. I think i've been handling everything fairly well, but right now i just wish i had some one here so i could fall apart into their arms or just someone to commiserate with me. ouch :( crying makes my eye hurt too.

2.22.10

I don't want to write here anymore.

I just want to move forward. I want to repair things if they need to
be repaired and just move forward.

It is what it is. And while i think i know now why it hurts, the clean
up is what wakes me up in the middle of the night and the implications
are what leave me feeling defenseless and panicked.

I don't want it to be the first thing I think about or the last thing
I think about. I don't want to think about it at all, actually. But it
was so entrenched in everything that I did (I made it that way) that I
feel like i have to alter every behavior to be able to change.

Heavy thoughts and a sluggish fever.

I spent most of today trying to sleep to recover. I don't sleep well most of the time so it's a challenge. I could barely do anything today without being completely drained. I managed half a frosty a little while ago because I was starting to think that not having any food in me might have something to do with the exhaustion. I'm smart like that. It's getting later now and I'm struggling. Not in a dangerous way or anything. Just thinking too much about too many things and now I'm really emotional. I'm going to try reading some of my favorite positive blogs and go through a couple grounding exercises. I know i only write here when things are bad or not good. I keep the positive to myself and apparently to too great of an extent. Not sharing the positive things in my life is something I whole-heartedly regret

I don't think I've been this sick in years.

So very, very sick. If you count Monday, I've had three meals all week. Two of those were on Monday. I ate a few snack foods other days but nothing wants to stay in my body and it's very difficult to swallow. I don't feel hungry though, which is confusing. My mom keeps offering for me to drive down there or for her to come up, but my place is embarrassingly dirty and cluttered with things i'm not ready for someone to push me to get rid of. I also don't feel like I'm in the shape to make a 4.5 hour drive. My alarm woke me up out of a dream that i've had before. It was familiar and safe and comfortable. The feelings from the dream were replaced by an awful feeling. Two things have been stuck on repeat in my brain. Both were incorrect and I let them go because I didn't know how to fix them or if I thought it was important to correct those errors. I feel like since they have stuck around, that it might be worth it to address them. Maybe bounce them off of someone else before taking them anywhere near their source again. If the mistakes are ever addressed again, i guess that would have to go back to their sources to be effective. One was repeated by more than one person and i've spent alot of time considering what that means. It makes me wonder where people are getting their data and where and how i'm providing that data and why I'm not giving the right set of information away. It's actually really upsetting. The other is so upsetting that if I think about it for too much time, I get nauseated. If that seems dramatic, it is. This is a big deal to me. I have too much time to think since i've been sick. Sorta hoping these meds knock me out soon. Getting this sick the same week as other things seems like the universe saying "you're doing it wrong" or "you suck".

falling

I'm sick and falling apart progressively as this day has continued.
I'm running my one errand today and then going home. I feel pretty
crappy about myself.

i slept for about ten minutes. I woke up and thought i was okay. I'm not. I'm panicking and i'm alone. And at the same time i don't even know what I feel. I'm so overrun with emotions that I cannot isolate a single one. If mom asks if I feel something, I say yes because I assume it's in the mix.There are much more personal and detailed things that I want to say, but i don't know how. So for now, I just won't ... at least not here.