over it

I'm over it. I'm over periods and hormones. I'm over people and places. I'm over jobs and careers. I'm over cooking and cleaning. I'm over it. My skin is freaking out from having to wear this ridiculous amount of makeup. And probably from having a period again so soon. I know i said I was going to use this as a journal not just for venting, but really that's what it's become. Chalk that up on the LONG list of failures.

:(

today just sucks

im sick. i barely have a voice. the last rehearsal is tonight. the gas
light is on in the car ... again. grandma is back in the hospital.
every step makes my head pound more. i now have to show everything to
my boss. my stomach feels like it might explode. trying to let it go.

Blah blah blah

I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to relax and not get so hurt so
easily. I'm trying to recognize that this is going to be difficult and
there's no way around it. I'm trying to breathe. Trying not to cry.
Trying, trying, trying ...

But damn it! It's hard.

We had extra money this month, and 3 days after the paycheck I'm
freaking out again. Okay, not freaking out, but worried ... :
( .............*the FH (yep, I like Future Husband better than fiance)
of course in his rational/logical ways managed to figure it out and
reassure me about the money.

So this day turned out to be headache-inducing-ly hectic. I have
something weird about my posture that I really should sort out because
any length of time at the computer produces this cramping, aching pain
in my left shoulder muscle.

Excited but terrified to go to the Rock Climbing Gym tonight. Hope
there's nobody there that I know. I hate gyms!! They make me soooo
anxious! hopefully i settle down soon.

balencetimes day comes early

reassurance

Despite my (sometimes overwhelming) avoidance of social situations,
it's always nice to get some reassurance about an iffy haircut from co-
workers.

unfinished

i'm trying so hard

you're so defensive about school and i just can't understand it. We need to talk about the things that i want to do by hand and why for the wedding. There's more to it than me just wanting to DO it. I don't understand why everything falls apart between us. Why we can't even communicate. I'm desperate for a solution and all i get are tears. You're taking on and holding onto so many worries and anxiety and I'm afraid they're negatively affecting our relationship and i don't know how to help you deal with them. I feel like you get offended every time I mention or try to talk to you about managing the way they make you feel....

<hr>

On a completely unrelated note: 

(from: http://2000dollarwedding.com/)

because I love you, I promise to treat you the way you want to be treated and with the respect you deserve. I promise to build trust with my words and actions. I will be your cheerleader, your nurse, your editor, your therapist, your teacher, your student, and your partner in adventure. I will deeply appreciate all of your positive qualities and not let the passage of time dull that appreciation. When life challenges us, I promise to focus on the resiliency of our love. And if I stumble and fail to live up to my promises, I will look you in the eyes, hold your hands, and apologize with sincerity. I will be my best for you.       

deflated

I'm done with being criticized for doing my damn job with exactly what
I'm given to work with. Yes, I've only been in this position for about
7 months, but you know jack shit about printing. You only have a
problem with it because your client has told you to have a problem
with it. Your cocky ass can go back to school if you want to instruct
me how to do my job. I wish I had some meds left. I wish I could go
home and go back to bed. I wish I could breathe without crying. I wish
people would stop being such alarmists ... Stop calling things a
catastrophe when they're just not what you expected (never mind that
we did everything we could to let you know EXACTLY what it would feel
and look like). I think its time to start looking around. I'm not so
sure I'm built for this field. Maybe answering phones somewhere or
organizing someone else's work is better suited to my demeanor. Maybe
its time to seriously consider the starving artist route. ha! as if i
could even qualify as an artist. Maybe it's just time to admit that
I'm not strong enough for the real world. I don't enjoy the work that
I do. I get sick to the very bottom of my stomach when I think about
coming to work most days. I've been to afraid to look for something
else because the benefits are decent and the economy well, isn't. But
i'm tired of just barely dragging myself through everyday. It's not
even 10am. How they hell am i going to make it until 5:30?