deflated

I'm done with being criticized for doing my damn job with exactly what
I'm given to work with. Yes, I've only been in this position for about
7 months, but you know jack shit about printing. You only have a
problem with it because your client has told you to have a problem
with it. Your cocky ass can go back to school if you want to instruct
me how to do my job. I wish I had some meds left. I wish I could go
home and go back to bed. I wish I could breathe without crying. I wish
people would stop being such alarmists ... Stop calling things a
catastrophe when they're just not what you expected (never mind that
we did everything we could to let you know EXACTLY what it would feel
and look like). I think its time to start looking around. I'm not so
sure I'm built for this field. Maybe answering phones somewhere or
organizing someone else's work is better suited to my demeanor. Maybe
its time to seriously consider the starving artist route. ha! as if i
could even qualify as an artist. Maybe it's just time to admit that
I'm not strong enough for the real world. I don't enjoy the work that
I do. I get sick to the very bottom of my stomach when I think about
coming to work most days. I've been to afraid to look for something
else because the benefits are decent and the economy well, isn't. But
i'm tired of just barely dragging myself through everyday. It's not
even 10am. How they hell am i going to make it until 5:30?

Color week: Late entry: Pink Thursday

rings
Originally uploaded by 4theloveofjustice

Hand sewn cuff bracelet w/ snaps. Luckily there was some sun to help the photograph. It's sparse around here lately it seems.

Color week: Late entry: Yellow

pendants
Originally uploaded by 4theloveofjustice

This was on someone.

Color week: Purple

I took a couple more just now with my crappy phone camera, but I'm waiting for them to send to something that I can grab them and get them here. So here's two but hopefully more later.

Color week: Blue

pendants
Originally uploaded by 4theloveofjustice

I love the contrast in colors in this shot. That's one of my favorite blues.

I need a weekend where there's nothing pressing. Where it's just him and I and blankets and pillows and cuddles and movies and books. I need some time for me to cry and be emotional and rage in a safe and comfortable way. Need need need geeze I sound whiney. Ugh no fun.

Things I can do. The first 50.

In no particular order ... 100 things I can do to help myself.

1. Put up curtains in the bedroom so I can sleep better.
2. Fall asleep first and earlier so that my sleep is better.
3. Get up earlier to at least go for a walk, if not a run or an early morning class (once $ evens out).
4. Create a financial plan and stick to it. Trust is that plan and stop the day to day worrying once the day to day stuff is handled.
5. Start saving.
6. For every 2 hours I work, take a 10 to 15 minute break.
7. Draw, write, or create in some way everyday.
8. Walk away when I need to.
9. Spend time training Odysseus.
10. Take more photographs.
11. Clean out clothes and other possessions for a yard-sale or donation to clear up the house.
12. Consume more raw foods.
13. Find a way to get back on all of my meds.
14. Join an online support group.
15. Stop Calling people names ... even in my head.
16. Stop threatening people and things.
17. Stop punching walls. (Pretty sure my knuckle is damaged)
18. Socialize more -- if the given situation involves more money than I'm willing to spend, suggest alternatives instead of giving up.
19. Make a list of 5 things that I'm grateful for everyday.
20. Explore the things I want to explore, regardless of what category they fall into.
21. Don't stop being honest and open, just do it in a nicer way.
22. Take time after work (or when needed) to decompress. Insist on it, if you have to.
23. Indulge in foods that taste good without feeling the guilt. Deprivation doesn't work.
24. Wear my glasses, even at home - it eliminates some headaches.
25. Take some time to dress the way I want to. Even if that means sewing the clothes I want.
26. Tell him everyday why and how I love him.
27. Be proud.
28. Reach out to old friends.
29. Make new ones.
30. Explore more of Tallahassee.
31. Cook at least one new recipe a month (a week?)
32. Don't indulge in self deprecation.
33. Learn to crochet
34. Mandalas (I should pre-draw some circles for work time)
35. Learn new knitting stitches.
37. Revamp my etsy store/store brand
38. Try freelance photography or design work
39. Work on centering and grounding.
40. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
41. Taking a mental health day is not a crime.
42. Be a "duck in water"
43. Breathe, breathe, and breathe again
44. Notice the details and embrace them.
45. Make and utilize to-do lists.
46. Ask about sliding scales for payments for various places.
47. Sketch freely and without such shame.
48. Let go of things.
49. Kiss.
50. Give good hugs.