I'm having a tough time tonight. There's no other way to say it. And I feel even worse because I need to say it. I'm doing many of the right things. I'm in a really good relationship situation. But I still have days and nights like this and it makes me feel even worse. Guilty, ungrateful, that sort of thing. I feel like i've struggled with every vice tonight and I'm getting a cold or some sinus crap on top of it or along with it. My hormones are out of whack too. I just feel so needy and spacey and down. I'm going to try to sleep again. I hate that this feels so familiar.

I didn't expect to feel like this.

I've overextended my resources without giving them time to repair and so today I woke with a sinking feeling, a need for a dark, quiet room, and the knowledge that I really could appreciated some anxiety meds. It's a hangover of sorts. I kept shoving the tension, paranoia, and suffocating lack of privacy and personal space that comes in crowds and public further and further down. And now it's multiplied and intertwined with financial stress, body aches, and indigestion. I'm soaking my feet now because i they ache and are tight from silly, cute, new shoes and derby practice starts in a few hours. I definitely need to go get dog food and more epsom salt but i'm afraid of the sunday crowds at the store and i haven't showered yet. I need to get these emotions under control before practice because I'm certain that passing out or throwing up from anxiety will be insanely more embarrassing than passing out from being out of shape.

My legs ache from trying to dance lower to compensate for the nearly one-foot difference in our height. She's the type of personality who radiates energy and infects everyone with a need to talk to her. She asked if it was too forward to hold my hand while we twisted our way through a dark club toward the bar, eventhough we'd been hanging out for hours at this point. She said she was so nervous about what to wear to meet me that her boyfriend took her shopping for a new shirt. Her husband is also a very high match for me on OKC. I met her parents last night in an lame attempt to steal a free moment at the bout.

I've lost my train of thought for writing this post. :(

Today was a hell of a day.

At least my kitchen got fixed and despite being sunburned, my tits looked great today (it's important to appreciate those sorts of things). Pretty much feels like every other thing went wrong. Including forgetting to take things out of the cooler from the beach, not talking to chris about something important very early this morning, not eating dinner because i felt so sick, mom questioning my judgment at work, my boss taking more work away from me, two projects failing horribly, and this headache/dizziness/nausea that is pretty much ruling my life. I came home with grand intentions of staying up all night to bake and enjoy myself, but I ate some crackers in another failed attempt to settle my stomach and fell asleep on the couch for a bit. I woke up congested, dizzy, and in some serious pain. I've taken advil again, but it's really not doing anything. Being nauseated every day isn't really helping. Actually, it's only since I started birth control. Also two periods a month isn't fun and it isn't nice and it isn't really fair to the people who have to deal with me. It also means my body isn't responding to the birth control, but my doctor won't admit that so I need to find a new doctor. I also need to find a therapist and psychiatrist that my insurance company will let me use because going outside of my insurance isn't an option with my budget, but it's pretty obvious to me that I need help. And by help, I mean I need to talk to a professional regularly and I need to be on medication. I'm really not sure how much longer the insurance company will stall me, but if work stress continues the way it is shit might go critical before that happens. It gets clearer and clearer to me everyday that i am becoming less equipped to handle thing. Yesterday I was just in tears at my desk during a phone call. Quiet tears of course, but tears. I'm pretty much failing to keep up with friends and i'm missing them and my family so much. A week or two ago, I was sleeping later than I should in the morning, sleeping at lunch, napping right after work and then taking a double dose of sleeping pills and getting into bed later. I stopped writing to try to eat some dinner, yes at 11 something at night ... and now I don't feel like writing anymore. Crap. Time to walk the dog and take a shower.

i'm such a mess. A self medicating, imbecile who can't get shit right.

"taking in every thing..."

I shut the computer down and started moving towards bed and then realized that I should write, but now that I went through turning everything back on I don't really want to. That's pretty much how things go for me these days. Songs sound good until the second chorus, if I'm lucky. Food tastes good for three bites and then is revolting. Hanging out with Chris seems like a good idea until I'm horrified at the way he drops food on his clothes like a child ... I'm trying to find a way to blame how shitty i'm feeling on something other than the same shittiness that I deal with once or twice a month since i'm still not at peace with going back on meds. Let me tell you, there's plenty of things going on (mom's surgery, the work issues compounded by other work issues, my raving insecurity, my two-a-month periods ...) I can't enjoy the place that I had strangely made my refuge for a few months. The landlord still hasn't even bothered to send someone to check it out. Any appliance that gets turned on in the kitchen, with the exception of the fridge, over and dishwasher (thankfully!), sends one outlet into a fit of glowing orange, smoke and sparks. I hate fire. It terrifies me like almost nothing else so a constant threat of fire has me a bit edgy. I also can't even try to bake anything unless it requires only handwork and the stove/oven. I'm afraid i'm going to come home one day to the fire dept. I'm getting too upset to keep writing this so, in bullet form, are other things i had intended to write about:
- not feeling anything
- music, concerts, and religion
- weight
- not feeling anything
- not letting myself feel?
- allergies
- alcohol
- mom's surgery
- identity and queerness
- being unmedicated, bipolar, going through a break up, sexual assault, medical issues, and yet feeling like this is what is really unraveling me and how ridiculous and stupid it makes me feel
- not feeling like i deserve a new tattoo
- mf sex
And i'm not makinig sense even to myself anymore so this is the end of this ramble. I need a break. Can you hear me universe? I need a break, pretty please with a cherry on top.

I'm not good at saying this or asking for this, but I could use a little help. First, before you worry, I'm safe. I just gave in and took a sleeping pill because I don't really trust myself to stay awake. I was trying to stay away from all meds, but I need it. I know this seems silly or at least it feels silly to write this, but I'd really appreciate it if someone could send a text or an IM or a tweet or a facebook message or an email or something to sorta check on me tomorrow. I'm feeling really lousy and isolated and alone. I know I'll start to feel better after my hormones level out in a couple days, but i'm feeling really crappy and would appreciate just someone just saying hi or something... just so i don't feel so alone.
Thanks.

screwing things up, one step at a time.
:-(